Dear Satan,

As I see your dark influence spreading across the Earth, I felt it was time I threw my hat in to your ring to hedge my bets. You know, in case your plan actually works.

Your Dark Disciple, Rachael Ray…as I know you have so many, most of them in politics, has again opened her enormous mouth and set loose the dark bile from her chipmunk cheeks, to spew forth another cog in her Dark Empire…a burger joint. I mean, it must be your work since the article said:

“Tuna burgers, swordfish burgers, turkey burgers,” Ray said, “I like anything you can pick up with your hands — portable food.” Ray said she also plans to open fast-food versions of the flagship.

A fast food chain serving swordfish burgers? Obviously your dark handy work. Not to mention that her magazine is going from a circulation of 350,000 for the first issue to 1.6 million for the 13th. Having written for magazines, I know what an insanely larger number that is. Again, an obvious sign of your being involved.

So, as your dark disciple does her work, please be kind enough to spare some of us.

Sean

“I obey my Dark Lord!”