Run far away.
Not to Far, Far Away, because that would mean running into this car wreck of a “film”. No, no, run in the total opposite direction. Save yourself this cinematic snoozefest. It literally is a snoozefest… I FELL ASLEEP! I have NEVER fallen asleep in a movie before, but during one of Shrek’s seemingly never ending stream of monologues about believing in yourself, I… *snore* huh? what? Oh god… just talking about it, I fell asleep again.
This third outing of Shrek suffers from a syndrome a lot of sequels do; the more characters, the better. Shrek 2 added Puss In Boots and Donkey and Dragon had their babies, okay, no problem. This time around though we are introduced, I’m going to estimate here, 853 more characters. Various new Princesses, lot of fairy tale villains, King Arthur, Lancelot, Merlin, Shrek and Fiona have triplets by the end of the movie… it just kept growing and getting more ridiculous by the minute. And every returning character had to have their “trademark” moment. Ugh, it just needed to end and go away.
Then there was the pacing. Oh good god, the pacing. There is a scene outside of Merlin’s where Shrek has, yet another, heart-to-heart with Arthur and I literally wanted to start snapping my fingers to count off the beats of the scene. And the problem was, halfway through the scene I started mumbling “Don’t cut from this scene back to Fiona in Far, Far Away… don’t go there… if you go there this movie will reach unsalvagable… don’t cut away now… don’t do it… oh my god they’re… Oh how Fiona!” This was the first time I checked my phone for the time, and prayed for a text message. There was no natural rhythm to the plot, it was all done to very predictable beats.
And the humor… oh god. After the Far, Far Away scene I prayed wouldn’t happen, we cut back to Merlin’s hut, where Captain Hook is going to attack and try to capture Shrek. His henchman show up and Hook gets wheeled in with… a piano. It was odd, out of place, and made no comedic sense. The sad thing? THE WRITERS KNEW THIS! How do I know? Donkey immediately says “Oh no! He brought… A PIANO!”… you had to point the “humor” out to us? You had to point, wave a flag, and shout “LOOK EVERYONE! WE’RE WACKY AND COOL!” Apparently I fell into an episode of Family Guy with no warning.
I chuckled a couple of times, but mostly I counted the moments to the end of the movie so I could just get out of the damned theater. I luckily paid only $5 at the sneak preview, and only 23 people showed up, so that was nice.