Me on 9/29, waiting for SNES Classic to be stocked on the shelves... https://t.co/OBbj7r0UBD
Satsu, the lesbian Slayer who had a sapphic fling with Buffy in issues 11 thru 15, is back in this issue. When we last saw her, Buffy had just put her in charge of the Tokyo Slayer cell, and we find her out on a mission when this issue kicks off.
A Japanese man is bloody and rambling while he hangs upside down in his overturned armored car. Satsu and another Slayer are on top of the truck and Satsu informs the other slayer he is talking about a big monster being somewhere nearby.
Just then they receive a radio transmission that the target has been acquired; Satsu tells the Slayer to direct it towards the bridge. As Satsu heads off, she tells the Slayer with her to check on another Slayer named Ayumi, and to inform her to duck next time. The sidekick asks Satsu what she is going to do, she informs her “Blood. Screaming. The usual.”
Said monster is a giant, yellowish thing, with four arms, and sure enough it is running up the support cables of a bridge, carrying some sort of bag. Satsu appears from nowhere, chopping off the arm holding the bag, and gets rewarded with being smacked by its giant tail. As she is being flung away, electricity zaps the creature. Satsu looks up to see Kennedy dropping in by parachute.
Now for a lengthy discussion between the two, but a fairly important one.
Kennedy: You see the tail on that that thing? Momma! You should try ducking next time.
Satsu: What are you doing here?
Kennedy: Just in the neighborhood. I thought I’d drop in and electrocute a whatever-the-hell-that-was.
Satsu: Buffy sent you, didn’t she?
Kennedy: Satsu, you were promoted to cell leader like two minutes ago. Standard op to run a performance review. Especially since your report on the Koran incident was beyond vague.
Satsu: If Buffy wants to review my ass, she can do it herself. Won’t be the first time.
Kennedy: Don’t be a brat, Slinky. That’s my profession, and I don’t like amateurs crowding me.
(the monster got up during all this, they kick it into the water in unison at this point, and Satsu takes the bag from the amputated arm)
Satsu: Buffy sends the OTHER lesbian Slayer to check up on me, and I’m the one you’re yelling at?
Kennedy: Look, Buffy didn’t send me, okay? I volunteered.
Satsu: Because you’re the other lesbian Slayer.
Kennedy: Because I wanted you to knoe you’re not the only fool ever wrinkle the sheets with a straight girl.
Satsu: It wasn’t just wrinkled. It was true love.
Kennedy: Yeah, yeah, everybody knows the story. Your kiss brought Buffy out of a mystical come. But Sleeping Beauty wasn’t gay. And neither is Buffy. Despite recently taking a skinny dip in that pool.
Satsu: It was more that one dip. It was a plunge a big wet — (she is putting on her cinnamon lip gloss during this)
Kennedy: You had a thing. I get it! Time to towel off and face the hetro. You gay, Buffy not. My advice? Lose the cinnamon lip gloss you laid on her and try kissing someone who can give you their heart. Not just their body.
Satsu: But I really love cinnamon.
Kennedy: Yeah, it’s great. But there are a lot of other flavors out there. Maybe it’s time to try a new one.
Kennedy says that is enough coddling and that they should look in the sack, both appeared shocked at the contents.
Back at the Tokyo Slayer HQ, it is revealed the contents are a little plush doll called a Vampy Cat. Satsu has no clue what that is, and another Slayer is bringing it up on the computer that it is a new plush toy due for release next week, hence this is probably a prototype, and why it was in the armored car. Satsu is enraged by it, but Kennedy says that since Harmony went public, vamps are all the rage and the public loves them now.
The monster that stole it is whining about losing an arm to a man with glowing red eyes and a severly wrinkled face. The monster says they took the bait, but what about his arm. The man tells him he will be rewarded with a death as a giant creature, also with glowing red eyes, approaches.
That night, the plush prototype at the Slayer HQ starts moving, sneaking past Slayers who are talking, obviously looking for something. Once it finds Satsu, its eyes glow red, and the fangs come out…
The next morning, Kennedy is looking for coffee, hoping it sucks less than their beds… and then she sees Satsu dressed in a furisode, a Japanese kimono that parents give their daughters when they come of age to show they are single and avaialble. She has also done her hair up in little pig tails. She says her parents gave it to her before she destroyed them with her gayness… and the were so right! Kissing girls is wrong, and they should find men and have babies! And being Slayers is wrong, they shouldn’t do that any more, and why are Slayers so aggro? All they do is bring the world misery!
Kennedy tries to take Satsu by the shoulders to talk to her, but Satsu slaps her across the room, saying “Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty Slayer!” A fight ensues as Satsu continues to rant about how Slayers are in the wrong, until Kennedy bloodies her face. Satsu’s eyes glow red, and she says “That the best you got, girl licker?” Kennedy kicks her in the stomach… causing her to vomit up the Vampy Cat.
It screams that it has been discovered, but that its brothers should use what it has given them to strike at the heard of the beast!
Satsu decapitates it with her sword.
The Slayers are in a chopper, geared up for battle. Satsu complains about her stomach. Kennedy thinks she should have stayed home, but she says after a whole bottle of mouthwash, she can still taste the toy, and that makes her want to hit something… a lot. They break into the company that makes the toys, and find the wrinkled man from earlier, even more wrinkled and dead. They check the computers to find the toys, and discover the entire shipment went out an hour ago… headed to Scotland. They figure the toys are after Buffy, and they need to stop it.
On the freighter, all of the crew has the wrinkled and red eyed look, as Satsu and Kennedy climb on board with explosives. This is their plan A, but Satsu says she has a plan B. Kennedy asks what it is, but a crewman says they are both the same, and end with them dying. Kennedy kicks him, a Vampy Cat jumps out screaming “Slayers!” More vampy Cats leave their hosts, with one screaming, “Attack, my brothers! Eat their #%&@ING OVARIES!”
Now there are thousands of the toys, and Kennedy and Satsu hack away at them. One tries crwaling in Kennedy’s mouth, but Satsu guts it. It crwals aways saying, “My death is meaningless, Slayer scum! Nothing can stop the Swell!” With that, all the plushies join together in one giant version of themselves. “We are the Swell! We are legion!” They continue on, “The Slayer blight will be cleaned in a sea of blood! Twilight commands it! Hail, Twilight!”
Kennedy and Satsu don’t like the sound of this, and Satsu ignites a flare. The Swell laugh at it, knowing it can do them no harm. Kennedy agrees with The Swell, but Satsu says that isn’t the point and throws the flare in the air, saying they need to worry about the fire. At that moment, you see Slayers in a submarine, one looking through the periscope says “FIRE!”, and two torpedos shoot towards the boat.
Satsu grabs Kennedy and jumps overboard as the boat explodes, burning The Swell to death. Satsu says that was plan B. Kennedy wants to know where she got a sub. She says that was why the Korean report was vague. Vamps had stolen the sub, she took it from them, and she figured she would keep it secret until she was done playing with it. Kennedy informs her, “Your eval’s SO getting a smiley face.”
Satsu and Kennedy are video confrencing with Buffy and Xander, whom inform the Tokyo team that all the toys are destroyed, and the factories shut down. However, the bad news is Harmony went on Larry King’s show and talked about how the Slayers are so evil that they destroy plush toys just because they have fangs! Satsu is enraged, but Buffy tells her that everyone is just to lay low for now, as in “subterranean”.
After the call, Kennedy puts a hand on Satsu’s shoulder, “Not the he-guess-what?-you-turned-me-gay speech you were probably hoping for, huh?”
Satsu walks away and says “Let’s go shopping.” as she she throws something in the trash. Kennedy asks, “Shopping?” Satsu replies, “Buffy’s right. The world’s coming apart. It’s time to stop being who we were… and get a new flavor.”
In the trash, you see Satsu’s cinnamon lip gloss.
Overall, a really fun read. Fast paced, self-contained, but yet advances the overall story of the season. Also settles all the questions people had about Buffy and Satsu, which was nice to clear that up. I always liked Steven DeKnight episodes of the series, and this was no different. Definitely one of the better issues thus far, and that is saying a lot since I was never a fan of Kennedy.
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|Buffy Season 8, Vol. 1||Buffy Season 8, Vol. 2||Buffy Season 8, Vol. 3|
|Includes Issues #1 – #5||Includes Issues #6 – #10||Includes Issues #11 – #15|
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